Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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