This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
