oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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