I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
