my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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