Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm too high and old for this...
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