she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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