I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
