just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag