Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.