like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
