i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
