Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
