I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
