worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
