I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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