I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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