I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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