I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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