Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
