Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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