The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
