i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
