My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
