this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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