Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize