like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
