This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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