at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
