My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
