Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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