he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
