i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
