I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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