I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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