i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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