I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
