Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
