I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
