She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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