whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
