she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
