Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
