Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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