Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
