My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
