We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The feeling are messing with the penis
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
