I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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