So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
