i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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