Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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