If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
