i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
