Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
