Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
