my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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