I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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