I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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