lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
