pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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